I am totally talking to myself right now… this is for no one.. Only my own kind of therapy. This might not even make sense haha not thought out at all..  I have been coming to realization with myself. I am more aware of what I want out of life for myself and with others. When it comes to boys my head is pretty messed up because of past relationships, my mind is shit. By being around boys a lot lately I have realized who I need for me. I have realized that i need certain characteristics that will bring out the best in me.. as I hope to bring the best out in the boy.  The boy tells me that I’m cute.. It’s not really cuteness to me, it’s nervousness.. why am I so nervous.. is it because I’m doing something wrong? Is it because It’s not right? When do you know? Cause I thought I knew before..  Persistence. I meet someone.. we hang out and we get along very well. We hang out again.. it goes well again.. then I act on impulse and we kiss. [bad idea] then I realize “nope, that’s not the right boy” kind of sad.. Oh well I guess. But  then it’s hard to get away.. hahahaha cause by then they are super crushing on me.. I told Jonathan I didn’t want a relationship.. That’s a start. :] I should tell the others. What’s normal? To meet someone, go on dates, then start talking about getting serious, going out.. then you both work on the same goal of being together..??? I don’t think life is normal. Life is full of surprises. I guess I get stuck in “movies” and my mind is still very childish. I don’t want that to change about me though… it’s what I like the most about myself. Hum.. Sometimes I think that it is possible for me to find someone I trust, but I can’t and i tell myself that I don’t want to anyway. I isolate myself very quickly and I am starting to feel really bad about people around me. It’s nice to feel loved :] but at what cost? Lost of Dignity? Lost of Loyalty? Not i. Wo, this makes no sense… I should just stop thinking about things right now hahahaha suuuuuper unorganized thoughts.